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Extending Forgiveness
By Roger Hornbeck

“Forgive that jerk . . . are you crazy?”
Now, be honest. Haven’t you felt that way at least once or twice? Whether it is the inconsiderate driver who cut you off, or the co-worker who took credit for your idea, or the Christian who judged and gossiped about you - forgiving is not always easy. To make sense of this complex and difficult area we must define forgiveness, understand its importance, and discover how to work through extending forgiveness to others.

Forgiveness is releasing your right to have someone punished for his or her sin against you. It is not that we do not have a right to have them punished, but when we forgive, we move beyond our right to “a pound of flesh”.

At the fall of Adam and Eve, God established that every sin incurred a debt that must be paid. The punishment for any and all sins would be death. Thus every sinner must die for their sins no matter how small we might consider them. This condition, created by the sin of Adam and Eve, was passed on to all humans who came after them. Because we all have sinned personally, we confirm this condition in our own body (Romans 5:12ff.). When someone sins against another person, that sin makes him or her liable for punishment. When I forgive that person, I am asking God not to punish them for what they have done to me.

When God forgave our sins through Jesus, He did not simply ignore the punishment for sin, He paid it by allowing His Son to die (receive the punishment) for our sins. Jesus could do this because He never sinned; therefore He did not need to die. Forgiveness through the death of Jesus (His blood) has been offered to all of humanity. God asks us who have accepted this forgiveness for ourselves to extend it to those who have sinned against us. When we forgive someone else, we acknowledge the power of the blood of Jesus to deal with human sin and their specific sin against us. When forgiveness is withheld, we say that the blood of Jesus is not enough to cover that sin, or we do not want Jesus to cover the person.

Forgiveness is rooted in God's heart.
To forgive like this requires we understand the heart of God regarding forgiveness. Because God so loved mankind, He sought a way to restore the relationship between Himself and His creation. We, too, must have this kind of "God love", desiring to restore relationships destroyed by sin (Colossians 3:13). When we cultivate this kind of heart, we are taking on the character of our heavenly Father by being conformed to the image of His Son (Ephesians 5:1-2 , Romans 8:29).

All sin must be dealt with. From Adam and Eve until today, sin has had to be dealt with. In the case of our first parents, God killed animals to cover their nakedness. The nation of Israel was taught through the Law that sin could not be ignored. Either the sinner, or a substitute, had to die. Today is no different. Death is still the penalty for sin and because our society does not understand this truth, unresolved sin torments both victim and perpetrator. We must reframe how we handle sin by accepting God’s explanation of sin and His solution for it through Jesus’ sacrifice. Failing to do this imprisons and torments us.

Refusal to forgive ties us to those who sin against us, and blocks God's forgiveness of our sins.
When we maintain our right to have those who have sinned against us punished, we block the benefits God desires to give us through the forgiveness of our sins. Jesus tells a story in Matthew 18:21-35 which highlights the importance of forgiveness. A servant owed his master an enormous debt that he could never repay. On the eve of being sold as payment for his debt, the servant begged his master for more time to pay back the debt. Rather than just giving him more time, the master forgave the debt. Unable or unwilling to believe that the debt was forgiven, the servant corners a fellow servant who owed him a small amount of money. This servant also asks for more time, but the forgiven servant refused to give more time or to forgive him. Upon hearing this, the master turns the first servant over to the tormentors. Jesus used this story as a warning to those who refuse to forgive those who have sinned against them.
Jesus reveals at least three truths about forgiveness through this story. First, we are all sinners in need of forgiveness and the debt that we owe for our sin against God is beyond our ability to repay. Like the first servant, we struggle with the thought of an unforgivable debt. We believe that with more time we could satisfy our account with God: Perhaps if we did more good deeds, read our Bible more, prayed harder or went to church more we could atone for our sins. Or we protest, “God is a loving God. He will not hold me accountable for what I have done in the past. Time will cover those sins.” The truth is that all sin must be dealt with. Either we pay for our sin through our own death, or we receive God’s forgiveness of our sins based on the death of Jesus. God does not deny our sins nor does He minimize them. As we have observed, He forgives them based on the death of Jesus on the cross. Remember, because of Jesus’ unique sinless life, His death had the power to pay the penalty for any sin committed. In His death, sin was truly dealt with. As a result, we can truly be free from sin (Romans 6:1-10).

Secondly, Jesus ties my forgiveness from God with my forgiveness of others. Because we have been forgiven, God expects us to forgive others. Paul states the same truth in Colossians 3:13. We are to remember the debt that God has forgiven us and allow that truth and the experience of God’s forgiveness to loosen our grip on the sins others have committed against us.

Thirdly, the one who refuses to forgive will find themselves tormented in mind, emotion and even in their bodies. Bitterness and resentment fester in the unforgiving heart sending their poison throughout the person. Not only is personal forgiveness necessary for healing the results of my personal sin, but forgivening others is necessary to cut me free from that person and their sin. Forgiveness frees me from the control another=s sin has over my beliefs and actions. The abused person who has not forgiven the abuser is doomed to a life built in response to the sin. Fear, isolation, and addictions are used to numb the pain of unforgiveness. On the other hand, the person who forgives those who have sinned against them is expressing trust in God for their experience. Rather than being trapped in reaction to the sinner, their eyes are turned in trust toward God for healing from the effects of the sin and for direction in relating to the sinner in the future. Forgiveness stops dysfunctional responses, such as, transference, repression, projection, as well as, bitterness and resentment.

Misconceptions about forgiveness trap us in unforgiveness.
There are three misconceptions about forgiveness that keep us from forgiving those who have sinned against us:

First, we believe that if I forgive someone, I am condoning or minimizing their sin against me.
God never asks us to condone sin or to minimize it. Evil is always evil. In fact, forgiveness can only happens where there is sin. Forgiveness occurs when the death of Jesus is substituted for the death of the sinner. God paid for our sins. He did not condone them. He does not condone the sins against us either. He ask us to allow Jesus to pay for the sins against us.

Second, we equate forgiveness with love and trust.
Ann could not bring herself to forgive her alcoholic husband. “If I forgive him, I will have to let him come home, and I just can't go through that again!” Ann has fallen into a common mistake about forgiveness. That is, if I love the person and forgive them, I am obligated to trust them unconditionally. While forgiveness is related to love and trust, it is not synonymous with either of these activities. Forgiveness flows from love and frees us to renegotiate trust with those who have sinned against us. It is because the love of God has been extended to Ann that she would even entertain the thought of forgiving her husband. This forgiving act of love states before God that she does not want her husband to be punished. It clears the way for the possibility of reconciliation, but there are steps that both she and her husband need to make before trust can be reestablished.

Third, we think that if I forgive someone, then all the feelings which I am experiencing will leave.
The feelings may remain for a season or resurface from time to time. The emotions that arise out of being wounded by another’s sin are rooted in the wound, not in the lack of forgiveness on our part. When we forgive, we give ourselves the freedom to face the pain of the wound. It is through the grieving process and the healing touch of God’s love, wisdom and power that our emotions are healed. Healing takes time. Even at that, emotions may resurface as the memory of the sin is remembered. If we have received God’s healing, these times do not have to be devastating.

It helps to identify the two kinds of forgiveness taught in Scripture:

“Healing forgiveness” breaks the control of another’s sin over our lives. Biblically, this forgiveness is seen in the forgiveness Jesus prayed for on behalf of those who crucified Him. We also see "healing forgiveness" in Stephen's prayer for those who stoned him. "Healing forgiveness" breaks the power of someone else's sin to control and torment me. It opens my heart to reconciliation and risking reestablishing trust with the person. It does not require that I will trust them, but simply opens me to the possibility. Healing forgiveness does not require them to request to be forgiven. It is transacted between the one sinned against and God.

“Relational forgiveness” is the first step between two individuals in the process of healing a relationship destroyed by sin. This type of forgiveness is reflected in the biblical statement "as often as your brother asks, forgive him." It is with "relational forgiveness" that love and trust get confused. "Relational forgiveness" enables a person to work on reestablishing a relationship marked by renewed trust, mutual respect and a commitment to work through any lingering issues which produced the broken relationship.